My earthly dad was an awesome guy. I didn’t always think that, because sometimes he was really tough. He could get this look on his face that would bring me to tears. He didn’t yell with a loud voice that often, but instead he would yell through clenched teeth. I could feel an impending implosion. That implosion manifested itself as massive heart attack, from which my dad died at the age of 58.
I believe holding in all that anger, which is how his fear showed up, killed him. It wasn’t easy for him to share his heart (dis-ease), that’s not what he was taught. He was taught that boys don’t cry, men are suppose to be tough and strong. He was taught that to share his feelings was a sign of weakness. His dad also died at a young age and his mom was a very strong willed woman only showing heartfelt emotion at his passing.
My dad taught me self control, even though I could tell he wanted to yell, he didn’t. And the truth of the matter is, sometimes he wanted to cry, yet he wouldn’t give his heart permission (dis-ease). He was more comfortable with the anger and frustration than the fear underneath the anger. His life taught me how to stifle my feelings, his death taught me that holding in our fears, frustration and love will kill us.
Being a parent has got to be one of the hardest jobs there is.
I remember in my early 20’s I went off to Florida for an extended period of time. This was before cell phones, so my parents had no way of getting in touch with me. After a couple of months I returned home. My dad told me he was upset about some of the recent choices that I had made; getting married immediately out of high school, divorcing within a year and then running off to Florida to regroup. What he was really saying was he was worried about me, but he realized he had no control over the decisions that I was making. My dad loved me so much, but didn’t know how to show that love. His parents were the same way. He was taught that love was to be known not shown.
I had a rare one-on-one dinner with my dad. We had such a great time that afterwards I asked him why he didn’t share this side of himself with others and he told me with laughter that if he did, he would have people calling him all the time wanting to spend time with him, and he just didn’t have time for so many friends.
I love my dad.
Even though it was difficult for my dad to share his feelings, sometimes I could really see how much he loved me when he looked at me. That love in his eyes warmed my heart.
Thank God for God, for in God is the the best dad ever! The Father of LOVE. Most all traditions, religions and philosophies are based on the simple concept of LOVE!
We need never feel alone, because God is always with us and in us; this loves is greater than any human understanding.
Today, I pray that with every breath, we breathe in Love and with every exhale, we extend that Love; with the knowing we are LOVE. Created in the image of God; “God is Love.”
And so it is!
blessings & love,
Until next time, BE radiant, radical & real!
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